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調整中ー著末意中ー

 AMでかの高橋洋子さんがゲストとして出演していまして。そう、あのざ〜ん〜こくなてんし〜のて〜ぜ〜の人です。
 夜明け生まれくる少女という歌がかかりまして…後で調べたらこれがシャナのエンディングテーマだそうで。かなり知らなかった自分にガッカリです。
 だってぇ、今澄んでる福井県北部、民放三局ですよー(電波が悪いと二局になる…)。アニメなんてほっとんどやってないのです。京都に住んでたころは一応全部見る派でやってましたから、なんとも寂しい日々なのですが…。
 ともかく、勢いのある曲調に押されて少し動けるかなぁと思ってみたのですが、それでもやっぱり辛いですねぇ。
 今日はちょっと書けたのでまだいい方ですが、書きものに向かう意識状態の、帯域の狭さとでもいうのでしょうか、状態の不安定さに完全に振り回されております。あの書きまくり四ヶ月の間は常にそういう精神状態だったのかと言われると謎ですが、今みたいに音楽やら飲み物やら時間やらに木を使わなくても結構書けたのを思うと考えずにはいられません。
 正直これからどうなっちゃうんだろうと不安でしょうがないのですが、急いては事をし損じる…を信じてぼちぼちぷちぷちやっていくしか。
 表現しないと人はおかしくなってしまうと思うのですが、日常生活もろくに送らず、文章書きもろくにしていない現状が私にとってどういう意味をもっているのがかなり疑問があります。あと体調も不穏だし。
 死ぬ気で炎をかけろ…火ぃつけたりはしませんが、死ぬ気で生きてるつもりなのですが、多元的な意味でホントに死んだりしてとか思ってしまいます。まあ、今までも何度か逝きかけてますけど。…それまでに後一つ、後一段階、何かやれるかどうか。そんな瀬戸際な感じも。考えすぎかもとはあえて言わずに。

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